Sweet Steaming Jesus On a Shish Kabob
Yes, I know its wrong of me to complain so soon about what might be the defining feature of my new hometown, but holy fucking bloody apeshit asshole burning in hell, it is hot.
Okay, so it's not quite Surface-of-the-Sun hot (I’m looking at you, Phoenix), but goddamnit, it is hot. It is May, you see – and all the climatology data I’ve used as a basis for understanding my new home's weather patterns has been hucked out mother nature's window. Not following? Here’s a little chart to illustrate my point (with the days I’ve been here highlighted):
Average daily high for San Antonio in May (in fifty-one years of records)? 86°. Average rainfall? 4.76 inches. Current Average High for month of May? 94.8°. Rainfall to date? 0.00 inches.
Perhaps this is SA’s way of saying “Welcome to Texas, Gringo!”, and if so I can take a good joke, but man, It's not funny so much anymore. Sure, I appreciate the average humidity of this period being near 40% (comfortable in most cases), but humidity doesn’t tend to matter when you are standing in a fucking smelting furnace, now does it?
Oh, it’s alright. It’s not too bad, really. The heat is manageable. What really pisses me off is that I haven’t had my $200 prescription sunglasses this entire time, and I can’t go out and get a replacement pair because my prescription is out of date, and I probably look like I am perpetually grumping in my pants, the way I am squinting all the time. “Why not just get a pair of cheap sunglasses and wear them over your glasses?” they say. Well, it’s simple. Because I’d rather suffer a constant cornea-searing ultraviolet bombardment than look like a complete windowlicker. Call me vain, I don’t care.
I’m not the only one in a relatively constant state of squidge. I can’t be quite sure, because he always plays it close to the vest, but I think Dog might be planning a bloody nighttime mutiny. I’ve taken steps, though. I’ve taken to hiding the truck keys in the bathtub (he’ll NEVER find them there), and I’ve explicitly told my auto insurers that he is NOT authorized to drive my vehicle. I’ve also greased up the doorknobs in the apartment with Crisco. Why? Well, a few nights ago I think I walked in on him while he was building a bionic opposable digit. Hopefully the Crisco’ll put the kibosh on that plan.
Other than those few things, everything is fine and dandy out here! Hope all is well in your neck of the woods!
p.s. – save me
8 Missives So Far
01 tfg said on Thu May 25 20:38:14 EDT
I predict by this time next year, you will be one of the premiere ball sweat bottlers in the nation. If that idea isn't a winner, you can always make freezer treats with it.
I'm the same way with sunglasses. Anything but plane-polarized, Hubble quality lenses gives me such a headache, I'd rather squint.
02 josh said on Fri May 26 2:36:00 EDT
Yeah. Ballsweatpops. Maybe after a long friday night, I can call them tequila-flavored.
Polarized Lenses or nothing. Yep, that's me. Though the birefringence on my iPod shell gets to pissin' me off, I'm pro-polarized all the way -- not the first time I've realized that knowing how light propagates makes my life more difficult.
03 Jason J. Thomas said on Fri May 26 8:44:50 EDT
To be honest, I can't say that I am surprised by those statistics. I was in Dallas at a conference 6 years ago, and I remember going from the Hotel InterContinental to downtown Dallas at around 7:30 at night. It was friggin' hot then, and when we came back at 11:30 at night, it had only cooled down to a balmy 91. That's when I realized the South is no place I want to live.
Now you get to experience it in May.
04 anonymouscoworker said on Fri May 26 14:11:01 EDT
sounds like you've got a big case of Baby. Should I call the Wahhmbulance? They probably don't speak Whinese, though.
05 josh said on Fri May 26 17:41:35 EDT
Thanks for the moral support, folks. Fuck. I suppose there's no leeway for one who chooses to expand his horizons, right? Nah, right now its Friday afternoon. I could be goin' down the ocean! Or down to Fell's! Or to Arundel Mills for a little Maryland culture! Whatever could've made me want to leave?
And as for you, ACW - Man, you need to use spellcheck or something. Wheesh.
06 vanessa said on Sat May 27 21:38:03 EDT
I'm just sitting here in my freezing-cold igloo laughing at you :P
But seriously, I think I won the pot for how many days it would take you to start complaining about the heat - Now pay up kids!
07 josh said on Mon May 29 22:47:16 EDT
Ah well. Let's just say that a weekend like this one more than makes up for the heat. It can be 200° F tomorrow for all I care.
08 TheIdleReceptionist said on Tue May 30 9:01:45 EDT
And all the construction workers give you the big middle fingah.
My condolences. Heat is the devil's handiwork.
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