The Master Lists - Selected Items of Interest
Like any semi-organized and self-sufficient adult in today’s fast-paced world, I’ve taken to making lists to keep myself on top of my responsibilities, personal, fiscal and dietary (hah) goals, and of course, the order in which I dress myself (Pants AFTER underwear! Pants AFTER underwear!).
In order to cope with the sea change that will be moving to The Lone Star State, I have created just such a list. Two master lists, actually; one for here and one for when I get there¹. So we have the Here Master List: stuff like move boxes, sort books, sell profusion of midget porno at local Baptist church swap meet, et cetera, and the There Master List. Today we’ll be examining part of the latter.
Part four of the preamble’s appendix, garnered from some of my research deals with stuff like rattlesnakes, blue laws, fireworks, and titty bars. Ready access to cultural decompression –i.e. proximity to the liberal stronghold of Austin– is handled in the “Pressing Eventualities” section of the “Use Extreme Caution” addendum, located in the first interstitial précis (After the section on ‘Mexican Food-Related Emergencies’).
Further down the list, scanning over such items as “Unpack toiletries” (#3) and “Find place of honor for expected I Can’t Believe He Ate All Them Grits coffee mug/trophy from the Bayou La Batre, AL. Waffle House” (#4), and “Walk the dog” (#5), you can see I’ve worked hard on simplifying… nay, clarifying the list. After “Find real place to live” (which squeaks in at number eleven) but before “Buy ranch big enough to start Brazillian Tea Cult” (#21), we come to list item number twelve. This item is highlighted and starred several times. There’s even a little glitter.
12. (Sublist follows) Find and purchase a red 1976 Cadillac El Dorado convertible with ivory-colored leather interior. Make the following changes/additions. See attached image. (Click for enlarged rendition and sublist).
Ooops, almost forgot. I need to make an appointment for the fitting of my personalized “Don’t Mess With Texas” belt buckle. That moves up to #16, while “Hijack buffalo jerky truck, pin crime on transient Briton” slides to #17.
¹Do not question the logic of two master lists. It is not your head we are working in here.
12 Missives So Far
01 anonymouscoworker said on Tue Feb 28 14:38:01 EST
#23 Double check to make sure the county where I'm trying to move legally allows ownership of sex toys. Because you never know.
02 vanessa said on Thu Mar 2 5:03:36 EST
A country that doesn't allow me to have ownership of sex toys is no country I plan on moving to, no siree. Or even visiting for that matter. That's just crazy-talk.
04 josh said on Thu Mar 2 22:39:52 EST
Apparently you sick fucks don't care about my BIG RED FUCKING CADILLAC a ride in which is considered an aphrodisiac down there. No, you just want to talk about fake plastic schvanzes. pfft.
Anyways... my research shows that assless chaps are legal everywhere, so I'm okay with an area-specific dildo ban. Not like my BIG RED FUCKING CADILLAC will ever have a trunk full of turgid latex phalli.
05 tfg said on Sun Mar 5 1:45:29 EST
I'm having a vision here. I'm seeing you going down the road wearing nothing but red assless chaps that match the caddy perfectly. And the caddy will have a set of bull's horns as a hood ornament, only the horns have been replaced with red plastic phalli.
06 josh said on Sun Mar 5 8:48:24 EST
As grotesque as that vision might be, I'm with you. Its like… Hunter S. Thompson meets Larry Flint meets JR from Dallas.
07 Mad said on Tue Mar 7 9:21:53 EST
... and all my suspicions about Texas are confirmed and Josh isn't even there yet
.o0(Note to self: prepare alibi for the date of the jerky heist)
08 vanessa said on Thu Mar 9 14:08:31 EST
Well gosh, I thought we had already covered that the other night when I said HOW FUCKIN' COOL it was. Maybe I wasn't clear. Regardless, as soon as sex toys were mentioned my attention was averted - sorry 'bout that. Cars are just cars but sex toys are... well, more fun. I think I'll stop with that. I really need to get out more.
09 said on Tue Mar 14 21:18:05 EST
Josh, as much as I enjoy your interim posts, I need to know whether you have a date for your ultimate arrival in the Lone Star State. There are projects piling up in my in-box, all of them marked "Ask Josh about this", and I want to ensure that you're kept busy once you arrive in God's Chosen Country... :D
10 Gone Away said on Tue Mar 14 21:20:26 EST
Oh, good grief, it's forgotten me already. The previous entry was me, okay?
12 josh said on Wed Mar 15 22:52:32 EST
Sorry for my inattentiveness, folks. I'm yukking it up in San Antonio until this fridee. I happened to blow into town just in time for Spring break -- dumb luck that.
But there'll be pictures, of course. Stay tuned.
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