Ten Things I've Noticed, Of Late
- Suffer the Nosepickers: Boy, the average joe has it rough these days. What with large corporations spending billions on courting the NASCAR consumer, most of what Bubba-Bo-Bob Smith sees or hears today is completely tailored to his particular inability to comprehend complex ideas — Ford Tough and War on Terror come to mind here. Contrary to his current understanding of geopolitics (love it or leave it, osama), he really is getting it right in the ass.
- Confections: You know those candies called Smarties… the ones in the twisty-end plastic? They don’t taste like their corresponding color.
- Weather: Snow is pretty cool when it’s falling, but otherwise it sucks.
- Politics: Dick Cheney is a shitbag par excellence (see #1).
- Sports: Between my overwhelming and unexplainable need to watch the Tour de France and Olympic curling and my ambivalence about traditional professional American sports, I might be Canadian, European, or gay.
- Cuisine: If you eat enough beef jerky, your farts smell exactly like beef jerky.
- Technology: After about 4 good years of having a website, I have quite the preponderance of extraneous shit to sort out. Case in point.
- Traffic: It is probably illegal to shoot out someone’s tires, headlights and windows – even if you leave a note at the scene.
- Retail: God dammit, Retail sucks.
- Nostalgia: I really miss my Keg-o-rator – the one with the VW connecting rod on the tap.
4 Missives So Far
01 tfg said on Tue Feb 21 18:54:19 EST
1. If you think it's bad here, wait until you get to Texas. Once Jesus gets in the equation, all logic is down the toilet.
2. I eat smarties all the time. I will have to research this.
6. I eat beef jerky all the time, but my farts still smell
like lilacs.
02 josh said on Tue Feb 21 20:07:25 EST
1.2 Yes, but when I get to Texas, I'll be able to shoot people in the face and tell John Law to pound sand. This really is my sort of logic.
2.2 I'd be interested in seeing your results. Right now I'm working with the hypothesis that there is actually a method to the Smarties madness, and perhaps some sort of molecular steganography within the flavorings or the variation of ascorbic acidity. I'm betting it says something like 'kill all humans'.
6.2 Lilac makes me wanna puke; my farts make me want more beef jerky.
03 Karla said on Tue Feb 21 21:04:11 EST
I'm glad I got to you before your move to Texas. It's very important that you remember this vital piece of info: You must NEVER let on about your ambiguously gay sports inclinations while living in Texas. Big, swaggering men will try to strike up conversations about football with you as you wait in line at the grocery store. Under no circumstances should you reply, "The Cowboys? That's a football team, right? No, I didn't watch yesterday's game, I was watching curling on another channel." Having your head crushed beneath a cowboy boot is painful. Just pretend you know what he's talking about, and make a hasty exit.
04 josh said on Tue Feb 21 22:16:03 EST
Oh, I'm all man, Karla. I know what a buttonhook is, and the significance of the west coast offense. I also know what hitting for the cycle is. And what icing is all about.
They just don't do it for me anymore. I'd rather just get drunk and be entertained by real heroes: Hogan and Major Hofstadter and Colonel Klink, of course.
Comments are currently off for this entry.