Entry 170 - Rootin' Tootin' Researchin' Texas

Rootin' Tootin' Researchin' Texas

I’m getting a tad angtsy about my upcoming move. Career wise its a big winner, of course (duh), but it really is a step off the cliff into a land that I know little about. Sure, I’ve visited and sure, I’ve known people who’ve left (escaped?) Texas, but aside from old westerns that were probably filmed in Burbank, CA., I know very little about my future state. Hell, my brother lives in Dallas – around 200 miles north of where I’ll be – and even though he has a different mindset than I do, he seems to like it a lot. In light of these facts, I’ve been working up a glut of bookmarks on the subject, and amassing as much of an understanding of the place I will be living as can be gleaned without actually going there. Yet.

Here are a few things about Texas that I’ve learned from the in’rwebs:

Texas Laws and Regulations

• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
• It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. Windshields are optional.
• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for homemade beer.
• Homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense. (Vote Kinky).
• It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
• It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.

Other Important Stuff

Of course there are other important things I needed to research.

All the counties where I am considering parking my drunk ass are ‘wet’ (thank fuck).

The Spoetzl Brewery (which makes Shiner Bock) is perhaps my favorite brewhaus in the world. It is located in Shiner, Texas, which is about half way between Houston and San Antonio (Within reach!)

Kinky Friedman, noted jewish scholar, author and musician (See Asshole from El Paso), is running for governor of Texas this year under the mantra “Why The Hell Not?” Indeed. If I can manage to become a resident before the election, my vote is already decided.

I also made a point to research Texas’ fireworks laws. Here’s what I came up with:

• You must pay money for fireworks.
• Light fuse, get away.

More Texas links as I come across 'em.

Resources

Maps

• Physiographic Map, Texas
• Geological Chronology, Texas
• Vegetation/Cover Types, Texas
• Big Fuggin’ Map o’ Texas

Web Sites

• Texas Parks and Wildlife
• Central Texas Bluegrass Association
• Austin City Limits
• The Beers of Texas

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